31 Jul Three grain mango salad and swimming against the tide

There’s no denying that I’m swimming against the tide here. London is a city where most people work hard and party hard, then when they’ve had enough they settle down and start a family. Which is fantastic if that’s what you actually want. After 8 years on the treadmill of London life I realized that I didn’t know what I wanted anymore: I was tired, my diary was filled with plans I had no energy for and my choices were coming from a strange place. I was rushing from one commitment to another, going along with the current, but not being fully present anywhere. I was disconnected from my body and my spirit, while my mind was working overtime. I felt like a machine. I decided that I needed to re-establish my sense of personal freedom and individuality. Slowly, like a child working out who they are and what they like, I started. On the outside nothing changed at first, it was a simple inner choice to commit to myself. It turned out that what I was looking for was this: That feeling of anything being possible, of life as an adventure… Long, meandering walks through the quiet city streets when everyone is at work… Waking up each day at a time that is right for my body and deciding what my goals and priorities are according to how I feel… Being able to stop work and go for a run when the sun comes out… Working solely on projects I believe in… So far so wonderful. Here’s the catch: it’s not bloody easy. You need to somehow make money in order to survive, your sense of self is constantly tested, you feel judged often, at times you doubt everything, you make mistakes, you loose your balance… There is no safety net. You know all those uncomfortable feelings you’d rather distract yourself from? They’re all here, waiting for you. You have to be strong if you want to go this way. One day you wake up and take stock: I’m still here, surviving; I’ve learnt that I have the capacity to love myself unconditionally; I feel physically and mentally better than I did 5 years ago (no more chronic back ache for a start); I’m more present, more myself; I drink less alcohol (most of the time) and my diet is healthier, not because I’m trying to be healthy but because it feels natural to me. So I’ve gone all the way back to the simplest and most important thing of all: health. With that in mind, here’s a lovely three grain mango salad for you.