Overbearing sadness, that’s what I keep coming back to. I’m glad that I’ve finally pinned down this emotion and defined it. I have moments of weird giddiness, of both rational and irrational anger, but underneath it all I know that it’s this feeling I am trying to get away from. The main cause is my grandma’s suffering, the waiting for her departure, knowing that there’s a huge amount of pain still to come… but there are other things too. Right now, I see everything with sharpened vision and the world feels harsh
There’s nothing much I can do about what is happening around me, only to learn to accept it so I can get through to the other side. However, I can do something about how I feel physically, so I’ve decided that it’s the right moment for a detox. It’s the right time of year and it will force me to spend some time on my own, feeling what I am supposed to feel rather than distracting myself. So to kick it all off I made my own vegetable stock today. I had no idea about all the crap they put in vegetable stock cubes. But since I am seeing everything clearly now, I have also taken to reading the ingredients of every single item that I buy. And the conclusion I reached today was: what’s the point of buying vegetable stock? It’s easy to make, and that’s healthier, cheaper and tastier. I boiled half a peeled onion, a few celery sticks and a carrot in plenty of water for about 2 hours. I used some of it for my pearl barley and kale dish up there, and have lots left over. For the pearl barley and kale, I fried some garlic in olive oil, then added the grains, kale and stock, and cooked until soft. Half way through, I added cinnamon. I finished it off with plenty of soya sauce, tabasco and lemon juice. I feel healthier already. By the way, have you heard about this place? I hope that this is the future of food shopping…